Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
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*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
I think my mom just blocked me
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
#oldknees
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks