Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
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A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.