[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
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“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”