[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
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Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
These 3D printers are insane!
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire