[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
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Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I only treason on days ending in y
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
fired
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.