[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
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With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
That’s incredible! 👌
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
bout dat hot dog summer
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
meanwhile over on facebook
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*