Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
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[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Still a very good boi….
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die