Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
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It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!