BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
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Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts