BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
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ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.