Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
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“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
This kid is going places
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.