Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
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Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
What in the hipster hell is going on here
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.