Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
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There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
wow
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Need WebMD