@Home_Halfway

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

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@KentWGraham

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

@mxmclain

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

@_Water_Baby

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

@clichedout

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

@ArfMeasures

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

@the_kizzle

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

@rickkondell

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

@GrantTanaka

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”