BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
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You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair