Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
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[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
*serious situation*
My brain:
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.