bears
You Might Also Like
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?