Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
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I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor