Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
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I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no