@KyleMcDowell86

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

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@TheToddWilliams

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

@Jeffwni

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

@mrjohndarby

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

@dlockw21

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

@brynnester

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

@MikeDrucker

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

@Theropologist

You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.

@Havish_AF

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

@DadSetAgainst

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

@weinerdog4life

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind