“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
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I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?