Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
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Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.