*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
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My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
fourth time’s the charm
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners