Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
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“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
no!! no!!!!!!
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Pretty much. 🤣
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
What kind of a cult is this?
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”