*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
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Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within