Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
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Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Before & after 😅
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.