@fowlerism

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

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@DiabloJodi

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

@daemonic3

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

@ABurgerADay

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

@JasonNotEvil

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

@Jenny4ashley

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

@UncleDuke1969

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

@Chhapiness

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

@ch000ch

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

@HushJared

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander