[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
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Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess