Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
You Might Also Like
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster