@DaddyJew

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

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@causticbob

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

@Puncroaker

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

@anarchicwolf

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

@Rlpihl

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

@NickBSawyer

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

@nsturden

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

@Marcmywords2

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

@FSUSteve

I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.