[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
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A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .