beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
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Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip