Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
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Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I have many caverns
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday