Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
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If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
his wife is probably gonna see that
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Easy enough.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.