Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
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Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.