Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
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The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
🙄😏😂🤣
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
This makes total sense…
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours