Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
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‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Me sliding into hell like
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel