Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
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4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Still a very good boi….
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?