BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
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Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Sharon, call the vet
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
first you must answer his riddles