@BGH70

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

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@SondraDeeMe

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

@Matt_The_1st

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

@JohnLyonTweets

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

@WineMummy

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

@bigmacher

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

@meantomyself

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

@Mardigroan

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

@bazecraze

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

@ChaseMit

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

@aveuaskew

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.