Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
You Might Also Like
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.