Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

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[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.


Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.


Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.


Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.


16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.


I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces


There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.


Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys


“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones


When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.