Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
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cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
somebody come look at this
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Many hands make light work
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school