Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
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I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok