BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
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“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
mom had nothing to worry about
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.