Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
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muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
He a real one for that
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
At least my masseuse has my back.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin