Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
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Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about