Become ungovernable.
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Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
couldn’t resist
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business