Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

I came this close!!!!

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

[middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig

Wife:

Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.