become ungovernable
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living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that鈥檚 my bandaid
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Urinal cake? Nah, that鈥檚 a pisscuit
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 馃槝
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it鈥檚 $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know