*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
This took me a second..
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one