[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
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therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
wtf is an acronym
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.