@PFTompkins

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

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@ehdannyboy

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

@CaucasianJames

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

@AutumnSkye13

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

@thepunningman

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

@TheCiscoKidder

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

@squirrel74wkgn

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

@KeetPotato

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

@Michael1979

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

@OllyiConic

when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there

@Cheeseboy22

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.