Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
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Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]