Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
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Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.