Bed should get ready for ME
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My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?