Bed should get ready for ME
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Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in